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‘Twas the Night Before Mother’s Day

 

‘Twas the night before Mother’s Day and all through the house

Not a teenager was shopping for books, bling or blouse

Instead they were nestled and snug in their beds

While visions of SFA danced in their heads

 

Their hoodies were strewn on the floor with no care

With sneakers and book bags and crap everywhere

And I intoxicated my jammies and Pa watching COPS

I wondered aloud: WTF is the point? Is it time for more Schnapps?

 

The moon on my new fallen breasts caused alarm

OMF Good Lord!  They are droopy and so are my arms!

And look at this muffin top.  What’s with this girth?

And then I remembered: Oh right. I gave birth!

 

To those slumbering sloth teens who were once little guys

That would plan for a month for an M-Day surprise

Bye bye happy days.  Hello bed. Screw it I don’t care

Twelve hours of labour? Pfft. Didn’t even tear…much (22 stitches give or take)

 

I awoke the next day to my naked husband with a rose between his teeth and a pot of coffee for me an unpleasant clatter

And a smell that could only be burnt pancake batter

I pulled off the sheets and I threw up my Schnapps on my robe

To witness the teens as they wrecked my abode

 

Their eyes how they deadened.  Their mouths did not move

Save for the odd mumble like: Whereizthefood? (Where is the food?)

Their iPhones were beeping and clutched in their palm

And into their screens they did mutter: Heymom

 

They spoke not a word and went straight to their task

And by that I mean stood there til one of them asked

“Wherzthepan?” (Where’s the pan?) “Werrstrved” (We are starved) “Canuhlp” (Can you help?) “Whasastov?” (What’s a stove?)

I’d never been prouder. They embodied love

 

The bustle began and I just couldn’t watch

I scurried and muttered to no one: Cook much?

They chopped and they splashed and they ruined my life zen

I took off, not wanting to see how it ends

 

Pa cursed and he shouted and called to the guys:

Quit texting! Get back here! Or somebody dies!

The chaos was mounting. My stomach did churn

I heard someone yelp “Stupdstovedamnimburnd”(Stupid stove. Damn! I’m burned!)

 

I soon heard the shout from my safe place in bed:

Heymomcomneeatcomchkoutwtwedid (Hey Mom! Come and eat. Come check out what we did).

I entered the kitchen and muffled a gasp

Looks lovely, I said as I reached for my flask

 

I gobbled it down and it tasted quite good

The teens were so pleased. They said: Wemadsmfood! (We made some food!)

As the last strip of bacon was hoovered and chewed

The teens mumbled: SeeyaIgotstufftodo (See ya! I got stuff to do)

 

With that they were gone to the top of the stair

They dashed away! Dashed away! Had not a care.

But I heard them exclaim: Happemothrsdaywishes (Happy Mother’s Day wishes!)

Heymomwudumindifwelftuthsdishz? (Hey mom would you mind if we left you those dishes?)

8 thoughts on “‘Twas the Night Before Mother’s Day

  1. omg …hilarious…….the whole family enjoyed and giggled…..Briah is perplexed with how you can think of these things…..so witty…..!!! Awesome job….thanks for the giggles and enjoy a fabulous Mother’s Day….FYI you need to introduce them to Carnation Breakfast.:)

  2. Hey Colleen,

    That was really funny…..maybe even true lol

    I couldn’t get on the comments at the bottom .

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