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Yoga Instructors Are People Too

I joined a yoga studio this summer because I didn’t feel inadequate enough. It worked! The last time I took a yoga class, my instructor wore baggy cotton pants, a friendship bracelet, and a bra. Today’s brand is quite different. They are toned, flexible and all of 20 years old. At first, I resented their taut, perfect bodies but the deeper I looked, I found a kindship with them. In fact, we have a lot in common:

• We both have a head.
• We both paid 2 million dollars for our stainless steel, non- toxic, organic, sustainable, lightweight, non-flammable, edible water bottle.
• We both look at ourselves in the mirror a lot. Me in horror. She in awe.
• We both have an exotic edge. For instance, she got her yoga certification in Mexico. I drink Corona. Samers.
• We are both dancers. My kind requires a pole tequila but a dancer’s a dancer right?
• We both listen to our bodies, as she frequently reminds us to do. Her body tells her to stretch more deeply. Mine tells me to go get a latte.
• We both have amazing posture. Wait. That’s not true. She doesn’t.
• We both speak English, though our vocabulary differs slightly. She uses words like ‘core’ ‘neutral spine, and ‘Namaste’. I use words like ‘Ow!’, ‘Help’, and ‘I think I’m bleeding.’

Despite our similarites, I’ll admit there are a few things she has on me:

• She can do Downward Facing Dog and talk at the same time. I just talk. Easier.
• She has a sexy tattoo that rings around her toned midriff. I have enormous, polyester Granny panties that ring around my fleshy, dimply overhang midriff.
• She wears a funky toe ring. I hope it cuts into her flesh and gets infected don’t.
• Her yoga pants are made of recycled bottles. The kind I drink water from and discard.
• She understands how to work the iPod to change up the music. My record player works just fine thank you very much.
• She can touch her knee to her buttocks while standing on her baby toe. I can touch my breasts to my knees. Without moving. Same diff.
• She knows the difference between left and right. I struggle with this at times because the stupid mirror reflects the opposite image.

So there you have it. Yoga instructors are people too. The next time you find yourself in front of a scantily clad, ridiculously toned, and highly condescending flexible yogi, simply give thanks for the body you have and say ‘Just you wait, honey’ ‘Namaste’.

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